About Me

I'm in way over my head. I'm a stay at home mom of three kids that I never planned to have. I'm just trying to get to bedtime.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


These are not my mountains, this is not my river. They do not meet in the middle and share the life that exists within them.
these are not my mountains. They do not breathe the life I knew. They are not my homing beacon when I get lost. They do not cradle me in their shadow.
This is not my river. It is wide and deep and rough and unforgiving. I can't swim it's length. I can't stand in it and feel one with it.
They are topographical cousins., yet I don't feel like they are family.
These mountains and this river they just sit there and watching and waiting.
maybe one day they will accept me and maybe one day I'll go home.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Stuck in Neutral

I can't take it anymore. Neither of us can. We are at opposite ends of the spectrum. one fight to be better the other just trying to be.
I know that I am the problem but there is no way of motivating me to change. It just doesn't mean that much to me.
Not to say that I don't care because I do, I just can't get past me. I am always in the way. No matter where I go or what I do there I am.
I have hurt people. I have made them angry, upset, aggrevated, and fed up. Still, I don't make the slightest move make amends.
My gears are jammed. The steering wheel lock is on with no way to turn it off. My engine won't kick over. I've stalled out. and I can't even find the key.