Mannland5 Getting to Know You

The Q's..

1. If you were to win an award today, what would it be for? The ability to ignore raging temper tantrums and sibling fights. Seriously. I have a kid wailing at my feet right now. Do I answer the call? No. I know it's not an emergency.

2. What is your shoe style? I wear beat up sneakers 99% of the time. Strictly utilitarian. But that's not my shoe style. I LOVE boots and high heels.


3  Does your car reflect your personality? Yes and no. I love my truck. It's big, practical and is actually a lot of fun to drive. But if I didn't have three kids I would have never bought it. I would have bought some thing low and fast, maybe even some old school muscle.

4. If you could take over someones body for a day..whose would you choose? No one. I don't want to be any one else. I don't need to bogged down with knowing if I'm missing something fabulous. And if I can't have the body to keep then I'm not going to waste my time.

5. Love or be loved? Talk about a loaded question. I have loved with out being loved back. I won't do it again and I would never wish that on any one. I'll take being the crazy cat lady down the street.

6. If you were on death row, what last meal would you choose? Finally an easy one. My grandma's tacos or they let me make my own meatloaf and apple pie. Mash potatoes and steamed broccoli with LOTS of butter. Wash it all down with ice cold milk.  Maybe chase it down with a root bear float.

7. Have you been on vacation this Summer, if so where? Only in my head but I won't go into detail. This isn't THAT kind of blog.

8. What is your favorite food related guilty pleasure? Eating alone and savoring every bite and not having to share with any one.

Just My Luck

I get inspired to write all the time. I write the most wonderful posts in my head while I'm driving*, cleaning up or changing a diaper. Some times their so funny I nearly piss my pants. Other times their eye watering, poignant. Either way each one is fan-friggen-tastic.

I can't wait to get on the computer and pound one out**.  I'm practically salivating at the idea of expressing myself as some one other than Mom, Queen of Time Outs and Sippy Cups.

Then shit hits the fan. Literally in some cases.  One second I'm fantasizing about living up to my potential and then some and the next I'm chasing Kieran around with Perry under my arm, a diaper in my hand, the phone pinned between my shoulder and ear and Amanda chasing me, whining requesting yet another outfit change.
Brilliant thoughts?

Vanished.

I've taken to writing an idea down when I get one. In fact I have a short list sitting on top of my computer right now.

I have no idea where I was heading with those strikes of lightning. They'll stay right where they are until I get around to throwing them out. Who knows, maybe I'll remember what I was thinking some time between now and then. 6 months from now if I'm lucky.


PS- Thanks for the inspiration Amy. Your writer's block was not for naught***.

PPS- While previewing this post. Flock, my browser crashed. Twice.



*When my truck isn't being possessed by an evil demon that causes the fuel pump to go catatonic with fear.
**Yeah, that sounded dirty to me too.
***Say it with me now, " Oooh, fancy word".

A 4 Hour Tour

I have a really good sense of direction. It's like an internal GPS. I just seems to *know* when and where to turn. I've never been lost.
Until this past weekend.
This past Saturday I went to a party for my friends upcoming wedding (Congrats Kel & Mike!!!!!!).

Kel & Mike

I have driven that way dozens of times. I know it by heart. I only consulted Mapquest to check up on gas prices. I had the route totally covered.

I am GPS Woman.
Or not.
I missed my exit.

My mom had pointed out that I may be on the wrong road. I wasn't. I knew that much for sure. That's when I started to think about the time I went to a banquet in Dickson City with............... Never mind. That's how I got lost in the first place.

We were just tooting along, enjoying the ride. The kids had smeared Hostess Snowballs and Devil Dogs all over the backseat. My mom was reading a book. Tom was marveling at the amazing views between power naps. I never realized that the scenery wasn't what it should be. I was reading names of towns that I had never heard before. I hadn't even remembered that I was supposed to be on a different highway heading east instead of south.

I was just starting to thing that we should be there by now when my mom mentioned that we "may" have missed our exit.
Gee, YA THINK!
My poor little brain that was on a happy little vacation dropped it's drink and panicked. My pride took over. I was sure that we could catch the next highway and head east. I was adamant about it. I have an internal compass, there was no way I was wrong.
A half hour later I couldn't shake that feeling that we were to far gone.
It's about time my powers kicked in.
I relented and eventually found the only gas station in the country that doesn't carry maps. The locals told us to turn around to catch the highway I thought we were heading for once I found out we had passed our first choice. I had passed it by at least an hour.
So much for my superhuman GPS.
We finally arrived to the party,  3 hours late.

Team Irony

Tom and I are sitting on the couch watching some good old brain melting tv. An Eclipse trailer comes on like it has been every five minutes for the past month. I don't really pay attention. I know I'm going to watch it despite the previous twos suckage. I read the books and thought they were a good fantasy.
The movies on the other hand are so far from the book, it's like Stephanie Meyer was drugged to approve the scripts. That is, if she even got to see them before hand.
None the less, I will watch. Just to have something frivolous to bitch about.
Tom, onthe other hand was paying attention. He said " I can't wait for it to come out on DVD."
Yes, folks. That's right. Macho Man Tom can't wait for the next Twilight movie to come out on DVD.*
His reason? He digs werewolves.
I guess that means Tom is officially Team Jacob.**



* I refuse to spend the money on a trip to the theater. It's stuffy, I can't pause it, and the seats are uncomfortable.
**Tom has no idea who Jacob is or what Team Jacob is about.  He got all insulted when I laughed at the irony of it all. Then he blamed the Evil Internet.

Getting To Know You

1.If you had 5000.00 to spend on plastic surgery what would you have done?

I'd have my ta-tas lifted. I've never had a perky set. That's what happens when you run screaming from the store when your mom tries to buy you a training bra.
If there was any money left, I would just hire a personal trainer instead.

2. Do you watch Soap operas and if so what is your favorite and why?

I used to watch Guiding Light when we only got a channel and a half with the antenna but then cable became available on our road in 2007 and I haven't watched since.

I still liked it when Lizzie got her face slammed into a cake.

3. Favorite clothing brand?

Free and fits. I very rarely buy clothes for myself. Most of my stuff are hand-me-downs.

4. An afternoon shopping spree at your favorite store or maid service for a year?

SHOPPING SPREE!!!!! See #3 for explanation. Although I would probably buy stuff for Tom, the kids, and the house.

5. would you ever vajazzle?

I had to Google "vajazzle".  Not a chance in hell. Than means that I would have to prune the garden.

6. Favorite Disney Princess?

I don't have one. I like to watch "Sleeping Beauty" but that is only because "Malecifent" is my favorite villian.

7. Last movie that made you bawl your eyes out?

Bolt. The dog thought he lost his best friend. How could that not make you at least tear up.

8. Have you ever broken any bones and if so what?

Yes. I slammed my middle finger in a car door at 12 years old. I also have a old chip fracture in my right ankle that I refuse to have operated on. Every once in a while the chip jiggles a bit and I can't move my ankle. It makes for a fun game of "Run Down The Kieran".

Lightening The Load

I've been dealing with some internal crap lately.  Feeling like a permanent world class fuck-up, having nothing left of me, sundowning at 10am, feeling weighed down emotionally and physically.  I haven't been able to do much. Just the basics like feeding my kids.
I haven't even felt like writing. My Father's day post was written weeks in advance when I was in a better frame of mind. If I had written that post on Sunday, it would have read very differently.
How?
First of all I wasn't home to write it. I gave Tom what I would have like to have as a gift. A day to himself. I took the kids swimming with my mom and left Tom to do as he pleases. He could putter with his gun, watch hunting shows and nap endlessly.
He did all that except nap. A funny thing happens when the kids and I are out and Tom is left to his own devices. He suddenly has no urge to nap.
I'm not talking about resting for 20 minutes to recharge the batteries. I'm mean must sleep for 2-3 Hours. NOW.
I understand that he works a physically demanding job in 120 degree* heat . That would wear anyone out. But for some odd reason, it's not nearly tiring when the kids and I aren't there when he gets home. Hence no nap.
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That just screams " I don't want to deal with you" to me.
That really doesn't help my feeling like I've made every wrong decision possible. Choices that affect my kids. Like committing myself for life to the wrong person. The person that helped me create those kids.
I with the kids solo for at least 11 hours a day. That's not including the time he is present but can't be bothered. At the end of the day I have nothing left. Not even for myself.
I can't even muster up the drive to take care of myself.
I've been wanting to start working out. I've told Tom that I need an hour to myself when he gets home. His answer was that he didn't get time to himself. Um...... yeah you do. You use it to sleep.  His response was no less frustrating than the actual naps.
" So, if I don't take a nap when I get home, we'll be even".
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've had conversations about how I need to take better care of myself and exercise. Tom even said that I wouldn't be around to take care of anyone if I didn't change my lifestyle. He's right but he's unwilling to sacrifice an hour a day for me.
A freaking HOUR!
This near-uselessness pops up anytime I need to leave him in-charge of the kids. He always asks if I can do whatever after the kids go to bed or if my mom can watch them.
At this point my mom** spends more time helping me that Tom does.
I can't keep this up. I'm  not going to keep this up. Today, after Tom gets home and has some lunch, I am taking my hour. Regardless of what he says.
Like my mom's very wise friend, Kelly C. told me " You teach people how to treat you".
School is in session.
*no, I'm not exaggerating. I'm pretty sure it violates workers rights too.
** I love my mom. She's AWESOME!
UPDATE-  I got my walk. Without an argument. Shocker! I only took a half an hour because I'm REALLY out of shape and didn't want to kill my self or my drive to get in shape. My current goal is to start couch25k in October.

In Your What?

This is Tom.

Hi Tom!

Isn't he cute? I think so. I'm a little biased.
Tom ( in case your wondering) is my husband. Tom has some wonderful qualities like

Showing the kids cool stuff
and

Rawr

Serving our country from 1996-2000
and

He does the dishes, picks up the house, vacuums and does his own laundry.

Tom is a great man. He evolved past the age of 17 long before I met him.
But,
Tom is not without his quirks. Here is the top 4

• Watching any movie on a continuous loop. No matter how many times he's seen it before. 
• Actually expecting the kids to not play with the toys he just picked up. I warn him every time and every time he doesn't listen. 
• Wearing a fleece when it's 80 out.
• He had a cat that I not so lovingly referred to as his "Real Wife". Nothing would make him give her up. Not even peeing on our daughters toys. May the cat rest in peace.

Even with these foibles, Tom does little things that makes me giggle a little. Things like

• Saying "Grill". As in " Why are you in my grill about this?". 
• Dressing up in full camo to go target practice. I call it going to imaginary sniper-land.
• Flirting with me while I cook.

And my favorite of all.....

Walking behind me so he can stare at and comment on my ass. He still finds me hot after 5 years AND having a front row seat to the birth of our 3 kids.

Spit Shine

I witness one of Amandas newest habits this morning. She took a swig of milk and spit it back into her cup.

EW EW EW EW!

I informed her that that was not okay and not to do it again. I didn't think about it after that. It skeeved me so I moved on.


I have a very nice coffee cup with a lid to help keep it warm when I forget about it. I forget where I put my cup all the time.


I had one of those moments today when I had to randomly abandon my cup to parent. I came back to it an hour later and took a mouthful and felt a floater.

Not much grosses me out like a piece of something floating in my drink and subsequently in my mouth.

Like many moms out there I spit my coffee into my own hand. I was hoping to not get any on my newish carpet. I seriously underestimated the capacity of my mouth. I ended up with coffee down my shirt, on my shorts and all over the carpet.

Luckily the carpet is the exact color of my coffee. Good call landlord man.

The offending item was left in my hand. My mind went straight back to Amanda and her new trick. I hunted her down in her room. With a big grin she copped to spitting in my coffee.

*urp*

I wanted to laugh. I did laugh while I sent her to time out, actually.  Discipline with a smile isn't really discipline. She immediately began to shake her tutu'd booty to the music from Sesame Street. I laughed harder.


I couldn't keep her in time out. Discipline fail.


I'll just have to keep a better eye on my coffee cup.

Changes

I've been done with Blogger for a while now. Because of that I've decided to move over to Wordpress. I'm almost done switching. The last thing I have to do is decide what to do about litlsuzzy.blogspot.com.

I started this blog when I wanted to be anonymous. I had pain in my heart and no where to put it. This was the place I turned to. I didn't want anyone to really know how bad I was hurting. I wanted to hide.

That pain is no longer the focus of my life. It's more or less a memory better left alone. And I certainly don't feel the need to hide anymore. I am however a sentimental person.

This blog has a special place in my heart. I won't delete it. I may just use it as a link to my new blog http://tryingtosurviveitall.wordpress.com

100 Things About Me

I don't know where I saw this first but a couple of blogs that I read had posted 100 things about themselves. All I could think was me too, me too. It took me a few days but I got it done.

Hop on board!

Time For A Change?

Dear Blogger,
I have been using you since November 2004. I was a little fuzzy on the year but my profile page confirms it. We've shared a few tears and a few laughs. Mostly tears though.

Today, you betrayed me. I had a long list of blogs that I like to read. I really enjoy peeking into these peoples lives. I'm nosy like that. They have disappered. Gone. Lost.

Where did you put them? Are you and Google holding them for ransom? If so, you came to the wrong blog for that. You should have pulled that crap on that famous blogger with the scary eyebrows that does spots for HGTV. She has money.

I've been ont the fence about you, Blogger, for a couple months now. I guess I should tell you that I've been posting on other sites. Much cooler platforms with much cooler features. I really like one in particular.

This may have been that last straw Blogger. You messed with my shit and I can't find it. That's a big no-no in my house. Even my kids know that.

It's you Blogger, not me.

Sarah
(AKA- litlsuzzy)

Hard Times, Happy Times And The A HA Moment

There isn't a moment in my life that doesn't have a song attached to it. Some songs were written just for me and that time in my life. Some songs I've heard before hand and they pop into my head when the right moment arrives. Others I hear after the fact and they just seem to put into words what I couldn't.

(1)  Runaway, Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park- I was Working in a dry cleaners when I ran into Linkin Park. A girl I worked with played it one night and everything just seemed to click. I didn't realize it right away but what they were telling me what was really going on in my head. It was like they crawled inside my head while I was living with "Spencer" and wrote that album.
Living with Spencer was a mind fuck. She was a pathological liar and controlling. She was suppose to be my best friend. Listening to Linkin Park was like getting a brick in the head one day. I got up and out not long after hearing them for the first time.

(2)  I'm Movin' On, Rascal Flatts - This was the song that I played when I left New Jersey. I thought I had made peace with my demons. I hadn't. I was just running from them. I regretted moving to Tennessee within 2 weeks after I had arrived.

(3,4,5,6)  What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts; CrushCrushCrush, Paramore; I'm The Only One, Melissa Etheridge; Best I Ever Had, Gary Allan- These are just a few of the songs that make me think of a particular person and the time period of my life they were in. It covers several years, involves several people and a lot of bittersweet memories.

(7) Make Over, Stripped, Christina Aguilera- This was a transitional song for me. I listened to it a lot when I moved back home and then to Tennessee. I just wanted to get away and be free. It was my only goal and it blew up in my face a couple of times.

(8) Her Diamonds, Cradlesong, Rob Thomas- I can't tell you how many times I've felt like the girl in the song. I've left quite a few "diamonds" on the floor.

( 9) Breathe (2 AM), Anna Nalick- What can I say. The girl has got a point. You can't jump the track and you're as far in as you are out. This is the song that starts the upward spiral after I've left some "diamonds" lying around.

(10) Supermassive Black Hole - This is what I call my "Stripper Song". I can't explain it. It just makes me feel sexy and powerful. I play this song so I can get my swagger on.

Music is vehicle, I wouldn't get anywhere without it.

You're Making Me Twitch

MaryMac over at Pajamas and Coffee had a post today about 7 things that get under her skin. Since I'm PMSing and everything is irking me, I'm going to join in.

I'm going to leave it to what got to me in the past 24 hours just to keep the list short.

1. Living in the Brokeness- I can't tell you how much this drive me nuts. All the things I can't do and can't have. The bills I can't pay. That makes my eye (visibly) twitch.
2. The Swarm- Every time I sit on the couch or the floor, the kids attack me all at once. They all want to sit in my lap, pull my hair, stick their jam hands in my mouth ( eyes, nose, ears, etc.) The only truly safe places are either standing or in hiding. That makes my arms and legs twitch.
3. Some one (Tom) reading over my shoulder (Tom) when I'm on the computer(Tom). That makes my back twitch.
4. Not being able to complete a post-  I have no less than three unfinished posts because I got interupted by kids, chores or #3. That makes my brain twitch.
5. The Cat- I used to love cats. I haven't been without a cat since I was 12. Recently though, I've had the kind of cat tha has no problem NOT using the litter box. She prefers my fluffy, bright white, towels instead. That makes my hands twitch. ( She's still a vast improvment over Tom's now deceased "Wife". She pissed in the toy box and crapped in the hall.)
6. Birds- They get in my shed and crap all over the place including my dryer. Just plain gross. That makes my gag reflex twitch.
7. Trailers, mobil homes, hot/ice boxes, tin can with a fridge- call it what you want. I hate living in one. It's a POS. That makes my heart twitch.

This stuff doesn't just annoy me it gets under my skin, crawls into my brain and takes root. What gets to you?

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

My family and I live in a trailer. It's basically a P.O.S.. The only thing it has going for it is that's it's shelter and we can afford it.
Last summer the Slum landlord had new carpet and laminate installed. Then, in the fall, he had a crew come out to level out the place. Ya know, because making a structure level will fix the warped and bent doors, the leaks inside the walls and the crooked windows. Sure..... Right.....*nodding and smiling*.

Seriously. If I ever start thinking like that, I order anyone reading this to hunt me down, kidnap me and my family, and drop us off in NJ for logic and sarcasm immersion therapy.

Now, My new carpet has a wrinkle the length of the living room, the old linoleum  has the same in the bedrooms and the laminate pops and cracks when you walk on my roller coaster of a kitchen floor.

Amanda happened to step on one of those spots in the kitchen. It made such a loud snap, she looked a little scared. When I asked her if the floor made a funny noise, she responded very seriously, 

" No mom, It's crapping"

Very true baby girl, very true.

Signs

I was out solo today. I had a quick job interview and decided to pop into an antique shop in town. I wandered around and enjoyed  the silence in my head. I had no intentions of buying anything. I really didn't have the money to spare. Even the 1948 Fleischmanns Yeast bread book for $2.

I was the perfect companion to my 1943 version of the book and it killed me to walk away. I love old books. They're so delicate to the touch and their smell reminds me of something I can't quite name. The paper is soft and fuzzy like the footsie jammies my kids wear in the winter.

I was checking out a book, mostly just to have it in my hands, when I flipped the back cover open to find a religious leaflet. I'm not into religion, it's just not my thing. I really didn't give it much thought as I flipped the leaflet over to see what was on the front.

Don't 

Give  

Up  

Hope 

I shut the book quickly, but the pieces were already locked into place. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power or an unseen force. It was like that force was telling me that it will all work out. All the  stress and tears today would be worth it.

 Hope is  one of the hardest things to lose. I was loosing it today. Everything was slipping away in just a few hours. No matter what I did, hope just kept getting further away. Despite my concerted effort to change my circumstances, I felt deeper in shit than the day before. 

Until those words, I was on a slippery slope that could have taken me months to climb out of. I still have to deal with some pretty crappy stuff like selling whatever I can live without. I still have to figure out daycare so I can work in September. I still have to deal everyday.

But there is hope. In the words of my 7th grade history teacher-

" There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah. And it's NOT a God damned train!" 

P.S.- I bought the book and the one on top of it.

My 1st Time

4 years ago I was hallucinating. I thought I was in St. Mary's Hospital in Knoxville,Tennessee. I kept looking at the door, waitign for my aunt to duck waddle into the room. I was going to verbally throw her out on her can. After all that she had done, she had a set of brass ones to walk in right then.

While I was busy waiting for bad blood to rise, Tom did the unthinkable. He walked up, gently touched my hand and informed me he was going to the bathroom. All I could do was nod. I watched as he walked across the room, entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Panic set in. tears started to flow. How could he leave me sitting here scared, alone and in pain. I understood that he had to use the potty when he told me but as soon as that door closed , I was convinved that he left me in the hospital. I was sure he was driving home. In my mind, I was abandoned.

Between working 3rd shift, being sent to the hospital most of the day before for tests and then being up all night with a UTI, I was a mess. I called my DR no less than 20 times that morning only to be redirected to the nurses station at the local hospital. The nurse on duty kept telling me that I was fine and my pain was normal. Something told me she was wrong, so I kept calling.

Finally, she asked me why I didn't just call my DR. She was pretty annoyed at that point but so was I. She didn't even offer to page him when I told her that was how got to talk to her all night long. All I got was " He should be in now, keep trying". Even after I told her I was bleeding.

I *love* small country hospitals.

I finally got in contact with DR. MIA and was seen immediately. He sent me off to the oh so *wonderful* hospital and the *helpful* nurse for a transfer. They couldn't help me there. At least they knew that much. 

As soon as I was hooked up to the machines, Nurse*Helpful* came in to tell me that what was happing now had nothing to do with the tests I had yesterday. Maybe not, but I told you my pain had moved and became more intense right before you discharged me. You blew me off. Just like my manager blew me off when I said I needed to pee. He left me waiting for an hour and a half each time.

I really should have let them fire me when I got in trouble for using the bathroom too much.

I didn't care what she said. I just nodded and asked when I was being transfered and when was Tom showing up. I had lost my confidence in her and the hospital. I wanted OUT.

I knew my situation was bad, but just how bad I was unsure of. I did get a small clue when they gave me some drugs for the pain and brought the ambulance stretcher in at the same time. Only 15 minutes had passed since my arrival. I had sat in the same room for 6 hours the day before over a UTI. I was a little sad that I didn't get to ride in a helicopter but happy to be going to a better hospital. The problem would be taken care of and I would be in my own bed that night.

Tom must have been flying because he walked in as they were wheeling me out. There was an hour between our locations and he covered it in under 20 minutes.

Despite the painkillers, the ride was agony. Paved or not, that was some of the roughest road I had ever been on. All the dips and turns and sinkholes. I was starting to wonder if the nurse had given me a placebo. Don't ask me why. That was probably the first delusion of many that night.

They did use the siren for me at lights. Yay me!

I get to Big Hospital still relatively calm. There's that whole delusional thing working again. I'm greeted by a flock of nurses. Competent, well informed, very nice nurses. 

I hope I apologized in advance. I don't handle pain well. I'm down right nasty. Like "Exorcist" nasty.

They hook me up and get me comfortable. As much as I can be anyway.   Tom, my mom and his mom show up shortly after me. 

I get to see DR. Specialist who runs some tests to see if I need surgery.

We hang out, I try to relieve the pain while waiting for the okay for drugs. I don't do so well. I can't have anything until the tests come back. If I need surgery, they'll have to give me anesthesia and they don't want any bad reactions to it.

I'm growling and grumpy. I won't let poor Tom touch me. It hurt too much. They had me lay on my back for a catheter insertion. Have you ever had one of those with out drugs AND with a UTI. It wasn't on my list of things to do before I die. It shouldn't be on your either. I almost puked the pain was so bad. I hadn't eaten in more than 12 hours so it wouldn't have produced much anyway.

DR. Specialist comes back and tells me that I don't need surgery. Yay! Unfortunately the situation had progress too far for me to go home. He also tells me that I can have what ever drugs I want as soon as the anesthesiologist is done with a c-section. Yay! In an hour. Damn!

Time passes, the moms go home with promises to come back first thing, Tom passes out in a chair.

More time passes. I have long since convinced myself that I was in TN and Tom left me.The pain is so intense I can't sit still and I am using some colorful language. I really hope I apologized at some point. My body keeps trying to fall asleep or pass out, I can't tell. All I knew was that I was staring at the clock and suddenly two minutes had passed.

Almost 3 hours after the Dr's okay, my hero walks in. The rockstar of the medical world. 

The Anesthesiologist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sweet relief!!!! I don't care how much he gets paid, it's not enough.

I actually let Tom touch me again, then I am out like a light before  the staff can leave the room. I don't care how tired you are, there is no way to sleep soundly when people keep poking at you and asking what your pain level is. I didn't care. I felt no pain and that was my only goal.

Well, it was until something had changed. I woke Tom up and sent him for a nurse because I was too groggy to find the call button. There was a flurry of activity. Every one moved so quick, It was like watching a movie in time lapse. I felt weird being the only one not doing something. I really didn't have a choice at that point.

After 12 minutes I got this..... 

Due to a UTI, Amanda was born 6 weeks premature on 5/26/2006.

Even through all of that, when I think of her birth, the first thing I think of is turning to Tom, who was all up in my shit to watch,  and saying 

"Holy Shit! I just gave birth!". 

Happy 4th Birthday Amanda! 

My Fat Story

My body is getting revenge on me for having 3 kids in less than 4 years. Seriously.

Okay I'd really like to blame it on the little boogers but in reality it's kinda my fault. Okay, it's definitely my fault.

I started gaining weight when I was in middle school and it continued to climb through high school. I ate, watched TV, was generally lazy and felt pretty crappy about myself. I didn't want to be around people most of the time and I lost some pretty cool friends because of that.

About a year after I graduated high school, I moved in with a "friend", let's call her.....Spencer, as in Spencer "Batshit Crazy" Pratt. Spencer was always trying new crash diets and new diet pills. I figured they were useless but I tried them anyway. I felt a strange need to keep the peace with Spencer, but I hadn't figured out why.Yet.

I fell into the crash dieting by accident. I really felt no urge to eat so I simply didn't. That combined with Ephedrine cause me to lose a total of 70 pounds. At my lowest adult weight I was 165. I was HOT! I had curves in the right directions, I could shop at a regular store in the mall and buy age appropriate clothes ( read- no Lane Bryant, no grandma clothes), I still had a bodacious rack (34D to be exact), I walked with a sashay that only a body confident woman can. Hell, I practically invented Swagger.

Me on New Years Eve 2002 @165

A lot of bad shit went down with Spencer and I got tired of keeping the peace and moved back in with my mom.

I went into shut down.

I worked two jobs, one of which involved very rich foods, I hung out in my room surf the Internet and watching TV. I hung out with the one friend I knew would accept me flat out and I could trust. We went out on the weekends but that's one of the few situations I made it point to socialize. and be good at it.

The pounds started to come back but I really wasn't in the mood to care. Not that I really noticed.

I made some more not so great choices, eventually left both jobs, moved to Tennessee, then moved to The Field. A little more weight slip on and I start to notice every now and again.

There isn't a whole lot to do in The Field. It was pretty boring so we made our own fun. And we had lots of our own "Fun". It took me about 4 months to get knocked up. At this point I had gained 30 of my 70 back. if your keeping score that 195 pounds. Definitely in the fat category.

Me a couple weeks before a + pee test @195

I took my pregnancy as carte blanche to eat and revert back to my teen ways. I was tired and scared to death and HUNGRY.

Okay, maybe I wasn't as hungry as I pretended to be. I was eating and sleeping my emotions away. Eating until you want to burst then sleeping for a few hours is a sure fire way to turn into this:

Me Prego with Perry and quickly approaching 300+++

I was around 320 when I gave birth for the last time and dropped 30 pounds almost immediately. Unfortunately, I don't think I've kept those pounds off. I haven't weighed myself but I can feel it in my body and everything I do with it.

There are a lot of reasons that being this heavy sucks sour cream covered lemons. Not all of them are obvious to the average person. Sure, there are the numerous health concerns but there are other things. Things like the funny looks you get when you walk into a resturaunt to pick up an order for 5 people ( Tom eats enough for 3, so make that 8), fat sex doesn't rock nearly as much as thin sex, my 1 year old is faster than me and sharing a full sized bed can get a bit tricky.

I been analyzing this for a few months now. I know how I got here. I know why I am here. I know what I need to do to move on. I know how I am going to do it.

But, I'm scared.

I'm scared of getting frustrated, as I am apt to do and give up. I'm scared to fail.

I am scared of myself.

Time Marches On

I have gained and lost independence many times over in my life. Moving out at 19 only to find out my roommate was a psychotic control freak. Moving back home at 23 just to feel that I had to be my mothers watcher in her time of emotional need. Moving to Tennessee to have my car and days off commandeered by toxic relatives. Meeting and moving in with Tom then having children to care for.

Little bits of freedom given and taken at the same time. As my children grow and learn, I slowly regain more lateral movement. The loss of an item needed to leave the house. A small symbol of our forward motion.

But what about the other end of the line. When the children are grown and have lives of their own. Beyond any one really needing you to help and care for them. Not your children or grand children or your great grandchildren. You have complete and total freedom to do as you please.

You can walk around naked, cook the foods only you like, go on long trips to nowhere in particular. Some times I can't wait for those days. It's just like I imagined my 20's to be like, only with out the cooking.

My Grandma has that life. Maybe not the naked part but she is still very independent at the age of 82. She goes to the casino, hangs out with her friends and takes little trip to visit family. My uncle lives a few miles from her and visits her almost nightly.

Lately though, there has been some cause for concern. Grandma is becoming absent minded. Her driving skill are becoming more and more questionable. It's just a matter of time before she gets into an accident. A couple weeks ago she lost her ATM card and this past week she lost her wallet in the casino. Her wallet was returned by the casino but it was missing the $150 she got for mothers day.

She doesn't eat well either. I know this is the pot calling the kettle black here. I try to eat halfway decent. Grandma on the other hand may not be. During a phone call my mom told me it was pretty bad. Is it too much to hope that Mom is just being an alarmist.

For a couple years now my mom, Tom and myself have been trying to convince Grandma and Uncle to move down here. Uncle leaning towards it after he retires in a few years and Grandma will go where he goes. I would like her here now though. Grandma is very reluctant to move again. She spent many years in the silent ranks as an Air Force wife and has had her fair share of moving. I don't blame her for not wanting to do it again.

I also can't blame her for not wanting to lose any of her hard earned independence. She was married to the same man for more than 50 years. Raised 4 kids in the military and one grandchild on and off. She worked in a sweatshop when I was a kid and was the best baker this side of the Wallkill River.

It's not like she needs a 24 hour babysitter. She just needs someone to watch her back more than bachlor Uncle can. Some one to go shopping with and to have over for coffee. Some one to make sure she eats because she won't cook just for herself. Who knows, maybe she'll finally pass on her killer taco recipe to me.

Grandma's on the left

The Snarkfest Has Been Canceled

Well, I was really expecting to have an all out snarkfest for you today. I headed out to what was sure to be the Redneck event of the season and I was going to have the pictures to prove it.

I must say I was pleasantly surprised. There was still a great deal of rednecking going on at Tom's aunt and uncles 25th anniversary party. But it was different than their daughter in-laws version of a wedding reception. The paper towel place cards were noticeably absent. Tom was also much more relaxed than he was at the "wedding" last year.

Since the kids don't get out much both Kieran and Perry were less than friendly. Kieran wouldn't even go inside for the first hour. Amanda was overly friendly and I removed her during the ceremony when she  started doing laps around the buffet tables. I was wholly embarrassed.

Did I mention that I get out about as much as the kids? I don't. I do love it when we go some place with my mother in law Vicki though. She is always more than happy to deal with the kids so I can enjoy myself. I think I need to tell her how awesome she is.

Something must have bit me in the tush because I felt like dancing. The only person I could get to dance with me was Perry. Not that she had much of a choice. Actually we were the only people dancing the majority of the time.

The other two were having a great time with the open juice cooler (Kieran) and all you can eat chocolate covered strawberries (Amanda). Kieran even tried to work the keg while bring cheered on by some inebriated party goers. Tom was never so proud.

Then it happened. Something I swore I never did and would never do.

I sang. In public. WITH A MICROPHONE!

Amanda spotted the microphone and tried to take off the table to bring to me. Then she ran up to me and said "Mama sing?".
My heart melted and I said yes. How could I say no? She was so sweet and innocent. How was she to know that I was tone deaf? I told the DJ that I would sing along to the music and she was cool with that.

I picked out Gunpowder and Lead. Something I sing at home and know all the words to and I can get into it. At least when there's not 40+ people staring at me.

I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to pee myself. But I sang with everything I had to my little girl. She actually pushed a chair over and stood on it about an inch from me. It was probably the most beautiful moment I've ever had as Amanda's mom.

The bonus was that no one boo'd or laughed or ran screaming from the room.
The even bigger bonus was the look on Tom's face when it was over. He was positively beaming.
The biggest bonus of all was making my baby happy and showing her what a confident woman looks like.

The Brokeness

I do my big grocery shopping once a month, preferably without kids. I shop for an entire months worth of shelf-stable and freezer items. I prep for at least three days. 1 for coupons, 1 for cleaning fridge and vacuuming the cabinets and 1 for defrosting the freezer. I could spread that out over a couple of weeks but I'm a lazy procrastinator. That and it would all just get dirty and frosty again so why bother.

This month was no different in the basics. What was different however was that I took two cart with me through the store. I figured that I could have one for heavy stuff like cans and juice and one for the more fragile items. I got quite a few strange looks but I didn't really give it much thought.

I was almost done and in the frozen food department grabbing some veggies when a woman who was giving me a strange look in produce a couple hours earlier asked if all that was for me. She was very nice, especially after I explained to her that I do most of my shopping once a month because taking 3 kids under 4 to the store every week is just insane. Moments later another woman asked basically the same question and got the same answer.

They both nodded and agreed that taking little kids to the store was tough. They both had kids, now teenagers though. They knew that you did what you had to do.

I was in a great mood even after I got my total. The $75 I saved in coupons and shopper club discounts really helped with that. Hell, I was practically giddy because of that.

I dropped my receipt in the lobby and when I bent down to pick it up I heard a voice.

"I bet that's taxpayer money."

I stood up and looked straight into the eyes of an 70-80 year old man walking past me. He was talk to me! I was in total shock. He kept staring as he walked by and muttered something under his breathe as he went.


So many thing ran through my mind in those few seconds, I couldn't even respond to him. I almost called out to him or ran after him but he was lost in the crowd by then. I went and load up my truck instead. 

I was insulted and angry. I waited for him to come out so I could rip him up. or run him over. I sat there for a little bit before I decided to move on before I lost a ton of food to the heat. I cranked "Bleed It Out"  and sped across the parking lot. 

Then I saw him. I was pointed right at the piss ant when I stopped at the stop sign. Once again I just stared but for a different reason. This time I knew just what to do. I wanted to feel the thump of his body hitting my bumper at a high velocity and see his shocked face as his carcass gets thrown. If my foot had touched the gas pedal, I wouldn't be here to write this. I'd be in court pleading insanity.

I'm not normally an angry person and Linkin Park only comes out when I need a release for my frustrations. So why did this old douchebag get to me so bad?

Because it's true.

 Yes, my family receives public assistance in the form of foodstamps and medicaid for the kids. It's not some thing I'm proud of and I would certainly choose to work outside the house if it would actually help. I've done the math, it would make us worse off than we are now. If I worked we would need this to survive-

375 a week for daycare

100 gas

150 health coverage

150 groceries and formula

775 just to cover what we would lose and the cost of going to work. 400 if I work a schedule opposite Tom and ask family to babysit for free.

I only have a couple of semesters of college and live in a rural community with a lot of other people out of work. Jobs that pay that well are not only scarce, they're unheard of. Tom is a CNC machinist and doesn't even get paid half of that. Sad, considering that the average pay for that job is 37,000. Tom makes $10,000 than the federal poverty guideline for a family of 5. And yes, 400 a week is very rare around here.

It seemed for a long time that every time we would start to do okay, the birth control would fail and Tom would get laid off. The companies he worked for would run out of work and in one case they ended up closing for good. So we applied and qualified for assistance. 

We did this for the kids. It's not their fault that we live in an economically depressed area . It's not their fault the housing market took a crap and people stop building new homes. 

We've looked at it from every angle. Alternating schedules, asking family to help, moving, me working from home. There is always a fatal flaw in the plan that makes it not workable.

I have to sit and bide my time until it is financially feasible for me to work. Feeling like a schmuck because I am physically capable just so deep into The Brokeness that we would be homeless if I did work. 

Happy Mothers Day

Daddys Girl

I was all ready to drag myself to bed. I was even so bold as to think about getting a shower. I had it all planned out in my head, right down to check the front door 3-4 times.

I was foiled again.

Amanda has once again woken up to see Tom's car gone. I'm not sure what runs through her head but it seems a lot like a mix of heartbreak and panic to me. At least 4 times a week I amforced to go through the same schpeil about how "Daddy goes to work after you go to bed and he will be home in the morning to eat breakfast with. Now try to sleep, the sooner you sleep the sooner Daddy will be home." Then I have to go through the whole "scarey monsters"," there's only good and funny monsters and list every monster on Sesame Street I can think of" set of hoops.

I have to do this a couple times each night it happens

Tonight I got smart(ish). I got Amanda a picture of her and Tom and a toy cell phone and told her to look at the picture and call Daddy on her phone to say I love you.

So far only a couple of whimpers and no more outright wailing. I'm still not feeling real hopeful.

Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy.

Getting to Know Me

I thought is would be neat to try something a little different so today I am going to participate in  "Getting to Know You" with Keely Mann over at MannLand5.

1. Are you superstitious? I used to be REALLY superstitious. To the point of stupidity actually.I let that go though. I guess I grew up. I do find myself throwing salt over my shoulder or buying a lottery ticket when I dream of being rich though. So, yes. I guess I am a bit superstitious.


2. If you were an animal..what kind would you be? I would have to say a house cat. Generally lazy but every once in a while I get a wild hair and go a little crazy


3. You would never catch me wearing.........? A tube top. There is too much gravity on earth to make that pleasant for anyone involved. Maybe in space where the ta-ta's would appear perkier.


4.  If someone posts a VLOG..do you watch it? Not usually. I get embarrassed really easy. It doesn't matter how comfortable the person is on camera is still feel like it's me on the spot.


5. Have you ever waxed your girlie/manly parts..or any other part of your body? I've got a bit of Greek in me so I wax my chin once a month. Just last week I took the action south. It didn't really hurt. One thing to mention though, pee BEFORE waxing the tender bits. It tends to irritate the skin if you pee right after.


6. Are you a spender or a saver?
I was a spender for a long time then I had kids and was forced into saving. I don't save to save money, I save to pay bills.

7. If  you were starring in a movie..who would you want to play your leading man/woman?          

Alexander Skarsgård, he's just beautiful. Tom and I are working our way through Generation Kill where he plays SGT. Brad "Iceman" Colbert. But only if he acts like the Iceman. otherwise I opt for none. There is enough testosterone in my life.

 

 

I love that movie. It's just awesomeness all over the place.

8. Smoker..never smoked..social smoker..or smoked back in the day? Back in the day. That's all I'm going to say about that one.

The Human Jungle Gym

About a week and a half ago, Perry decided it was time to start standing independently. Yes, a week shy of 8 months and the little future mastermind is standing on her own for a few seconds at a time. The Mommy in me kicks into gear and I decide to try to get a picture of it. I totally wanted to show off my kid and her crazy ambition.

I tried from both couches, the desk chair and standing. No such luck, the camera was just too slow. I am not so easily thwarted by inferior technology. I waited and my patience was rewarded. Or so I thought.

Perry crawled off into Kieran's room while the other two were occupied with their own mayhem in Amanda's room. I went after her and hit the floor just out of sight.

This is the picture I got as her tushie landed. Though I didn't realize it right then, the flash was a rookie mistake. But then again so was getting on the floor.

Amanda and Kieran must have noticed something was afoot because the came out to investigate. I held my breathe as they walked past me a few times. I knew then and there what a precarious situation I was in.

I don't know about any other kids but mine can smell fear. At any moment they could smell it on me and turn. They've done it before at different times. I knew this could be one of those times.

I relaxed as they walked back and forth between the bedrooms. A little too relaxed. It must have been the lack of oxygen while I was holding my breathe because I thought it would be a good idea to start taking pictures again.

Suddenly the camera gave me a hard time and I couldn't get a shot off until

Amanda jumped from behind the corner and screamed and I screamed and the camera went off and I knew I was in for a shit storm. I was pinned between the wall and the door jamb when they swarmed. I did the only thing I could. Brace myself and keep snapping pictures. This is how it went down......................

The ambush was successful

Kieran ran from the living room armed

You really stepped in it this time Mom

I'm surprised I actually got a decent picture

I was laughing too hard to even realize I had pushed the button

I don't know where she pulled this move from

Quick conference so I can breathe and they can plot.

Just you wait, mommy

Are you okay ?

She's good. GO GO GO!!!!

Please don't let farting be apart of the plan. Kieran has wicked sewer butt.

Amanda trying to blow raspberries on my belly

Kieran trying to give me a kiss and me using the camera as a defense

Bad defense. Kieran was successful

 Actually Kieran not only made contact, he actually licked the side of my face and across my mouth while Amanda blew raspberries on whatever she could make contact with and Perry had a hold of my foot.

I lost it. Literally. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard and I pissed myself. I didn't just let a little tinkle out. I full blown lost control of my bladder. I was defeated.

I had to call for help. I yelled out no less than three times before I had to add that I was serious and Tom peeled my captors off of me. And yes he noticed my pants.

I changed, came back and put the kids to bed without any trouble from at all.

I'm beginning to think they set me up.

The Tactless Wonder, a One Woman Show

Married life is tough. You either need tact or be really good at lying. I have neither skill. Ask any one who knows me. I have not only stuck my foot in my mouth on several occasions but I have shoved down my throat far enough to pull it back out my ass and stand on it again.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Tom decided that he was going to make "his" meatloaf. As opposed to "my meatloaf that I never make the same way twice.I was totally okay with this. Tom is a pretty fair cook and I always apperciate a break from any mundane chore.

Tom lovingly made his meatloaf while I was sleeping. I woke up shortly after he put it in the oven. I never even bothered to check his work. He's a big boy and I'm not his mommy.

The meatloaf dinged and this is what I pulled out of the oven.

I KNOW, RIGHT! You don't even need to tell me, I was there.

I already knew I wasn't going to eat it. I had it all planned out. I got everyone's plates ready and was going to tell Tom that I wasn't hungry if he asked any questions. It was a good solid plan.

Tom helped me get dinner to the table ( very rare) and started to count plates. He asked where mine was and wasn't I going to to eat it and I choked, almost literally. I panicked.bells and whistles and alarms went off in my head as I stammered. My answer was not quite what I had planned. It was more along the line of " It's scary". Actually that's exactly what I said.

Foot, Mouth, no need to formally introduce you two, we've been here before.

Not only did I say that but I proceeded to defend my position even further degrading my sweet husband. I'm a fantastic wife, aren't I!!!! I just kept ramming my foot further down my throat until I was at least up to my knee.

I know it's been a while so, Knee meet Mouth, Mouth this is Knee.

At this point the semi-smart person would SHUT THE HELL UP! A smart person would have never said a word in the first place. I'm apparently neither. No I'm definitely not.

Case in point. I proceeded with my little defense case to the point of telling my now seething and wounded beloved that salt and pepper and ground beef does NOT make a meatloaf. It's a hamburger in loaf form.

And there it is folks! I just shat my foot out of my ass and am parading around like I'm Miss Fraking America! I wonder if the circus will take me in because this is truly a sight to see.

Thankfully, my last remaining braincell took over and I finally put a sock in it.

To make matters worse, I had posted a status update pertaining to Tom's hard work.


It wasn't nice. I should not have said that AT ALL.

To make matters worse, I checked facebook after dinner ( because I'm a bit obsessive) and my very good friend Amy had posted this just for me.

It was perfect! I didn't even have to play the clip. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. I was laughing right up until I felt Tom walk up behind me  and read over my shoulder.

Awkward.....

I think he knew what scene it was too.

My only brain cell was still in control and walked me into another room.

The next hour or so was filled with a boat load of awkwardness. Lots of it. I was never so relieved to see Tom leave for work even if I didn't get my usual kiss good bye.

For the record I did apologize at one point and it was promptly and summarily dismissed. I earned that. I also told Tom that I expected him to be honest with me about my cooking. I'm sure he'll use that one early and often. I earned that too.

I'm an ass, plain and simply. If anyone knows of a good doctor that can put my foot back where it belongs let me know. They can sew my mouth shut while they're at it so I can't do it again and lose weight at the same time. If not some one find me an agent because I'm sure I could make money off this freak show.