About Me

I'm in way over my head. I'm a stay at home mom of three kids that I never planned to have. I'm just trying to get to bedtime.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Lightening The Load

I've been dealing with some internal crap lately.  Feeling like a permanent world class fuck-up, having nothing left of me, sundowning at 10am, feeling weighed down emotionally and physically.  I haven't been able to do much. Just the basics like feeding my kids.
I haven't even felt like writing. My Father's day post was written weeks in advance when I was in a better frame of mind. If I had written that post on Sunday, it would have read very differently.
First of all I wasn't home to write it. I gave Tom what I would have like to have as a gift. A day to himself. I took the kids swimming with my mom and left Tom to do as he pleases. He could putter with his gun, watch hunting shows and nap endlessly.
He did all that except nap. A funny thing happens when the kids and I are out and Tom is left to his own devices. He suddenly has no urge to nap.
I'm not talking about resting for 20 minutes to recharge the batteries. I'm mean must sleep for 2-3 Hours. NOW.
I understand that he works a physically demanding job in 120 degree* heat . That would wear anyone out. But for some odd reason, it's not nearly tiring when the kids and I aren't there when he gets home. Hence no nap.
That just screams " I don't want to deal with you" to me.
That really doesn't help my feeling like I've made every wrong decision possible. Choices that affect my kids. Like committing myself for life to the wrong person. The person that helped me create those kids.
I with the kids solo for at least 11 hours a day. That's not including the time he is present but can't be bothered. At the end of the day I have nothing left. Not even for myself.
I can't even muster up the drive to take care of myself.
I've been wanting to start working out. I've told Tom that I need an hour to myself when he gets home. His answer was that he didn't get time to himself. Um...... yeah you do. You use it to sleep.  His response was no less frustrating than the actual naps.
" So, if I don't take a nap when I get home, we'll be even".
We've had conversations about how I need to take better care of myself and exercise. Tom even said that I wouldn't be around to take care of anyone if I didn't change my lifestyle. He's right but he's unwilling to sacrifice an hour a day for me.
A freaking HOUR!
This near-uselessness pops up anytime I need to leave him in-charge of the kids. He always asks if I can do whatever after the kids go to bed or if my mom can watch them.
At this point my mom** spends more time helping me that Tom does.
I can't keep this up. I'm  not going to keep this up. Today, after Tom gets home and has some lunch, I am taking my hour. Regardless of what he says.
Like my mom's very wise friend, Kelly C. told me " You teach people how to treat you".
School is in session.
*no, I'm not exaggerating. I'm pretty sure it violates workers rights too.
** I love my mom. She's AWESOME!
UPDATE-  I got my walk. Without an argument. Shocker! I only took a half an hour because I'm REALLY out of shape and didn't want to kill my self or my drive to get in shape. My current goal is to start couch25k in October.

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