Okay I'd really like to blame it on the little boogers but in reality it's kinda my fault. Okay, it's definitely my fault.
I started gaining weight when I was in middle school and it continued to climb through high school. I ate, watched TV, was generally lazy and felt pretty crappy about myself. I didn't want to be around people most of the time and I lost some pretty cool friends because of that.
About a year after I graduated high school, I moved in with a "friend", let's call her.....Spencer, as in Spencer "Batshit Crazy" Pratt. Spencer was always trying new crash diets and new diet pills. I figured they were useless but I tried them anyway. I felt a strange need to keep the peace with Spencer, but I hadn't figured out why.Yet.
I fell into the crash dieting by accident. I really felt no urge to eat so I simply didn't. That combined with Ephedrine cause me to lose a total of 70 pounds. At my lowest adult weight I was 165. I was HOT! I had curves in the right directions, I could shop at a regular store in the mall and buy age appropriate clothes ( read- no Lane Bryant, no grandma clothes), I still had a bodacious rack (34D to be exact), I walked with a sashay that only a body confident woman can. Hell, I practically invented Swagger.
|Me on New Years Eve 2002 @165|
A lot of bad shit went down with Spencer and I got tired of keeping the peace and moved back in with my mom.
I went into shut down.
I worked two jobs, one of which involved very rich foods, I hung out in my room surf the Internet and watching TV. I hung out with the one friend I knew would accept me flat out and I could trust. We went out on the weekends but that's one of the few situations I made it point to socialize. and be good at it.
The pounds started to come back but I really wasn't in the mood to care. Not that I really noticed.
I made some more not so great choices, eventually left both jobs, moved to Tennessee, then moved to The Field. A little more weight slip on and I start to notice every now and again.
There isn't a whole lot to do in The Field. It was pretty boring so we made our own fun. And we had lots of our own "Fun". It took me about 4 months to get knocked up. At this point I had gained 30 of my 70 back. if your keeping score that 195 pounds. Definitely in the fat category.
|Me a couple weeks before a + pee test @195|
I took my pregnancy as carte blanche to eat and revert back to my teen ways. I was tired and scared to death and HUNGRY.
Okay, maybe I wasn't as hungry as I pretended to be. I was eating and sleeping my emotions away. Eating until you want to burst then sleeping for a few hours is a sure fire way to turn into this:
|Me Prego with Perry and quickly approaching 300+++|
I was around 320 when I gave birth for the last time and dropped 30 pounds almost immediately. Unfortunately, I don't think I've kept those pounds off. I haven't weighed myself but I can feel it in my body and everything I do with it.
There are a lot of reasons that being this heavy sucks sour cream covered lemons. Not all of them are obvious to the average person. Sure, there are the numerous health concerns but there are other things. Things like the funny looks you get when you walk into a resturaunt to pick up an order for 5 people ( Tom eats enough for 3, so make that 8), fat sex doesn't rock nearly as much as thin sex, my 1 year old is faster than me and sharing a full sized bed can get a bit tricky.
I been analyzing this for a few months now. I know how I got here. I know why I am here. I know what I need to do to move on. I know how I am going to do it.
But, I'm scared.
I'm scared of getting frustrated, as I am apt to do and give up. I'm scared to fail.
I am scared of myself.