About Me

I'm in way over my head. I'm a stay at home mom of three kids that I never planned to have. I'm just trying to get to bedtime.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

You Can't Recieve Inspiration if You Have No Aspiration

I read a couple of blogs by a former classmate today. Both mentioned his dream of being in law enforcement, that he abandoned that dream and the 130 obstacles that stand in his way back to it.
I would like to say I was inspired but I wasn't. I felt admiration, awe and respect. I thought about what he had written and I tried to feel inspired. It dawned on me that I never had any dreams or aspirations. Sure, I've had fantasies. Who hasn't? I'm talking about a realistically attainable goal. Something so desired so strongly that virtually no obstacle or task is out of the question.
The first time I remember being asked "what do you what to be when you grow up?" was for the 8th grade yearbook. I had never really thought about it before. My answer was a bit, well, schizophrenic. Lawyer, bartender, politician, writer, tatoo artist and about 20 other things not on paper. I answered just to answer, to be counted. I pulled titles out of the air with no thought to what the words menat
My life was about survival. Making it through one day just to wake up for the next. As far back as middle school, all through high school. right up to this moment. How often I attend and how I applied my self in school was barely enough to get by. Moving out at 19, moving back 4 years later, taking and quitting jobs, moving to Tennessee, cutting ties with family and countless other descisons were all in the name of survival. Hell, I even titled my blog " trying to survive" more than 5 years ago. Thanks 20/20 vision!
I continue this practice to this day. What I cook, what time I put the kids to bed, where we go, when we go there, how I run my day is often about getting to the finish line.
This is how I live my life. Getting from one day to the next. Through the week to the next paycheck. on to the next year.
Is that really living?

I guess I was inspired after all.

1 comment:

The Empress said...

I'm the same as you. We are so shaped by our childhoods.

You'll see, it'll come to you. Habits are hard to break, and living for survival is a habit you had to learn. But I hear what you're saying, Thinking about it is a very big first step to crossing out of it.

Good luck! I think your background on your blog is beautiful, and peaceful.